What happens to a woman when they find out that they are expectant? Well, it normally exudes mixed reactions.
The consciousness that one is carrying another being inside of her is beyond description. But what happens when after a few weeks, the expectant mother begins to spot? Meaning there are signs of virginal bleeding?
This is what happened to me, during my second pregnancy, I started spotting after 4 weeks of pregnancy and I had to be put on medication and bed rest. There were days that I would not spot and there were days that I would bleed. I would always hope that everything would be ok. There is no woman, at least the ones I know who would want to go through a miscarriage.
My first trimester was full of scans, medication and bed rest; that was my cycle. The scans would show a healthy fetus with a heartbeat, a sign that all was well with me and the baby. The doctors could however not put a finger to why I was spotting. The radiologist kept adding more weeks to see if there was going to be any change.
After carrying the pregnancy for more than 12 weeks, I went for another scan and this time the doctor told me I have blighted ovum; the fetus wasn’t growing and it needed to be evacuated, he said it in such a light manner that I was shocked, I excused him because I think he has handled so many cases that he had become numb to such issues. I was referred back to my gynecologist. I called to book for an urgent appointment. Since her office was around the neighborhood, I was there in no time. I remember her words clearly, she said ‘I don’t understand what is going on, the baby’s heart beat is strong, there is nothing wrong with the fetus position, your uterus and placenta are healthy why isn’t it growing?’ She added by saying that normally, the body can detect if the ovum is going to be problematic, that the body naturally ejects it. I remember her exclaiming loudly ‘why isn’t it ejecting if it is a blighted ovum?’ she sounded frustrated.
After composing herself she told me that I needed to get to a hospital to have the fetus evacuated, in layman’s terms, removal of the fetus on medical grounds. She was a very kind doctor who really encouraged me. Soon i was done at my gynecologist’s clinic; it was already mid afternoon. I dashed to the office and informed my employer, and headed home to find a hospital that could do the procedure, which I later learnt, was called DNC.
Most of the hospitals that I called had all their theaters fully booked and being a Friday, I couldn’t get a theater till Tuesday the following week. I was desperate to get to a hospital but I couldn’t get one. Later that evening, I got a hospital that could do the procedure, but it had to be on Monday. I had to come to terms with it and so I rested.
The following day was my sister in law’s wedding so I decided that instead of just sitting in the house, I would go have my hair done, in readiness for the wedding. I remember my sister asking me if God can’t reverse the doctor’s verdict, she kept telling me to give it time, may be, just may be things would change, I told her that I believe in miracles too and which ever way it turned out, the nature of God will never change, he remains good.
That evening when we retired to bed, my husband and I held hands and prayed, we told the Lord that there were many things that we did not understand but we know that His plans for us are good; we committed everything to him and slept.
The following day was a Saturday, the day for the wedding. I was hosting my mum in law but we decided not to inform her of what was transpiring and the doctor’s report. My husband was worried for me and he wanted me to stay behind but I told him it was a joyful occassion for our family and I wasn’t going to allow a doctor’s report to rob us or dampen the day. I insisted that I would attend the wedding. When he saw that he couldn’t change my mind he went to take a shower. When he was done I followed suit to go freshen up.
As I started showering, I felt a very strange sensation in my belly, I felt a huge lump discharge forcefully out of me, there was a huge lump of blood on the bathtub, I stood there not knowing what to do I watched as the hot water from the shower dissolve the miniature human being and down the drain it went…….. I said to myself oh my goodness; there goes my baby down the drain (I know it is not funny but that is what I said). I managed to finish showering then went to my room. I found my husband still in the bedroom and I informed him that I think I was having a miscarriage I was bleeding profusely. He told me that we could postponed going for the wedding but I was adamant I told him that we would attend the wedding and we would not tell anyone what was going on. He looked at me in disbelief and he reluctantly obliged.
We went for the wedding I ensured I had dressed in such a manner that I wouldn’t stain my dress; I kept going to the washroom after every few intervals to change my ‘paddings’. My sister noticed so I had to tell her and I also informed one of my sisters in law but I told them we would focus on the wedding and not me. The wedding took place I tried to be as active as possible I think that was my coping mechanism. By the time we were getting back home all I wanted to do was to take a shower and rest, I thought that since the pregnancy had dispelled itself, then I was good to go, I didn’t need to go to hospital, if anything, I was going to wait till Monday since that was the day for my appointment. Ignorance can be costly. I did not want to go to Google; I was fine with my own deduction. That night I made several trips to the washroom but eventually I managed to sleep.
The following day was a Sunday, I woke up and insisted to go to church, by this time the bleeding had subsided, it was manageable and I went to church, came back from service, ate lunch and went to rest. I woke up later in the evening and by this time, I wasn’t feeling too well, my hands were looking pale, I was feeling a bit feverish but I convinced my husband that Monday was the following day and so we should wait. I retired to bed early because my appointment the following day was around 8:00am.
We were out of the house by 6am so that we could beat the morning traffic, we got to hospital in good time, by around 8:30am I was prepared for the theater, they gave me an epidural injection, which meant I was conscious through out the whole process. The doctors cleaned my inside, it was not an interesting procedure but it went well. I was given some meds and some days off work.
I went back home, took some time to rest and reflect on what had just transpired.
LESSONS THAT I LEARNT
- Never minimize a women’s pain, loss is loss. No matter the stage of pregnancy 1 day to 40 weeks when you miscarry or go through stillbirth you feel life leaving your body and it is an awful feeling.
- Never tell a couple who have gone through loss of pregnancy or have lost their baby to ‘RELAX YOU WILL GET ANOTHER ONE, YOU ARE STILL YOUNG AND HEALTHY’ that is so insensitive, they are grieving, they are still in the moment do rush them to get over their pain. If you do not have anything to say please don’t speak. Sometimes saying nothing is actually saying so much. You presence without saying something ‘cleaver’ may be all that they needed. You do not have to fill the silence with ‘noise’.
- I should have gone to the hospital immediately the incidence occurred, because by the time I started feeling unwell, infection had already started setting in and it could have been fatal because that is how some people get sepsis, the Lord was merciful to me.
- The reason why I attended both the wedding and the Sunday church service was because I knew that if I got time to be alone, I would have started feeling sorry for myself and could have easily slipped into depression, I needed some distraction, I needed to hear other voices apart from mine, I needed to be in an environment that was speaking joy, encouragement and hope, like I said this was my way to cope.
- Anytime I felt like my emotions were getting the better of me I would look at my son who was then 2 years, and ask myself what would a woman who has never had a child say? How about the woman who carried the pregnancy to term and has had massive complications, or died, or the baby was born with disability? How about couples who have never had children and they have been trying for years? What about couples who have had countless miscarriages? I kept telling myself that I had every reason to give thanks because I have a small human being who was running and laughing around the house oblivious of what is going on.
- Have a support system, never walk the journey of loss by alone, it will be long and difficult, talk to someone, cry, laugh, sing, bite the pillow, scream, but don’t isolate yourself, you become very vulnerable when you are alone.
- Do not push away your spouse. They are also experiencing loss, it is painful for them, never imagine that they can’t feel your pain, the fact that men do not carry a pregnancy doesn’t mean that they don’t get affected when there is a loss; sometimes it may be worse for them. No man wants to feel helpless, men want to feel in charge they want to be that person who can protect their wives against anything so walk the journey together and heal together.
- Get rid of any guilt, it wasn’t your fault; some things are beyond human comprehension. Trying to dissect the issue will only lead to confusion, anger and fear. One may start getting paranoid and start looking for reasons that don’t even exist.
- During that season, I had a peace that was so strong that even if I tried inducing pain or tears I just couldn’t, I was totally free from pain, I wasn’t heartbroken at all, which was quite strange. I almost thought that I was in denial but that was not the case. I even had friends who told me that they thought I was in denial and that I would soon break if I weren’t careful, they meant well I believe but that was just man’s wisdom.
I kept thanking God because I knew it could have been worse were it not for his mercies. God held me together, I felt his embrace all around me, I knew I was loved, protected and secure in him. I knew what the enemy intended for evil, God would turn it around for good!
One year later I found out that I was pregnant and after 6 weeks, I started developing back pains and slight spotting! I had to deal with the fear; That was another journey all together.
