Susan Lifts The Lid On Depression In her Book ‘Enter Into Rest”

As a little girl, I had a lot to say, but I kept to myself. See, I am two people; one part of me can really talk, while the other is a little silent. I am never deep when I talk – it’s general things, like why I can’t stand the taste of yogurt, or why the price of gas is hurting my pocket. My authentic feelings and opinions are processed in silence, and many times expressed in a song, poem, or book. Is this confusing?

I bit a big chunk of confusion as a child when our family went through a difficult season. I didn’t cope very well. How could I? I was a child. My reaction to the whole thing was unbecoming, and the word on the block was that I talked too much. I was all over the place. But there was also the reality that I was the last one in the family. What did I know? My opinion didn’t count. I was either too much or too little. I didn’t know who to be!

Fast forward to high school, I started writing poetry to express my feelings. By this time, I was emotionally wrecked; harboring feelings of resentment and anger over things I didn’t have control over. But I found comfort in my faith, singing, and reading novels.

As I started recording my music, I became aware of the emotional baggage I carried all my life. The voices I heard earlier on, reminding me to calm down, to just be average, and that my voice didn’t really count, were loud. I felt like an imposter. I felt like a misfit, which is the title of my first book (The Misfits). It does not only tell my story, but it also gives the stories of men and women in scripture who seemed unfit for ministry- from David the least one in the family, the hot-tempered Moses, to the harlot turned evangelist, the Samaritan woman. I belonged here. I released that book in 2020.

I am not just a misfit (yet anointed and appointed), but I have also been sick. My childhood’s unresolved traumas stayed with me. The seeds of doubt, confusion, hurt, and anger had rebranded into a new name – depression. I am also aware of the genetic aspect of my journey with depression. The nurture versus nature is noteworthy at this point. And I don’t like it. The stigma of it! The misconceptions! The shame! I was dealing with the disease when I started authoring my new book “Enter into Rest: Dating and Divorcing Depression”. I was still writing the book in 2021 when I had my last suicidal attempt. Chapters were added while I couldn’t see well, because I had taken substances that affected my sight.

‘Enter into Rest’ is written from a place of vulnerability. I address the rest we long for as the mentally ill gang. We wonder if that is possible amidst stigma, judgment, and lack of resources. I am in a good place, I assure you. Yet I know, not everyone is as lucky. The body of Christ is unequipped for this. In fact, I would be better if I suffered in silence. I am told to just keep singing, to forget the whole thing. One pastor called me immature. Said I have refused to carry the cross.

My questions are: How about those who go through depression during menopause or while taking fertility drugs? The pregnant women dealing with postpartum depression due to hormonal imbalances – Are they also immature? How about nature taking its course to birth a species like me? What would be my sin? How is my disease different from yours? I have a disease of the brain, and you have diabetes because your pancreas is acting up? Why am I the only one being exorcised in church?

I have just formed an Enter into Rest initiative to connect patients with the right professionals, reduce stigma, and encourage the downtrodden. I am about to start an online campaign on the same. Please visit my website for more information.

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