I met Kirigo walking towards Our little courthouse with a goat tagging a rope behind him. Surprised because it was not his nature to care for goats, I asked what it was all about. He told me how hard it had been to live with Mercy his wife of 20 years. She had so wronged him that the last two years they had been separated. He told me some of the offenses committed by his wife. I sympathized with him, with Mercy and their five children
At the meeting Kirigo stood before the elders – he was customarily married – and counted the wrongs his wife had done to him. Some of the men grind their teeth on hearing that a woman could do such things to her husband.
When Mercy stood to talk everything changed; “Leaders and elders of my community I have no defense to make. Much of what my husband has said is the truth – I am sorry about them. Some others are his way of viewing things – I had no idea that they hurt him so.” She paused.
“Besides being sorry about making my husband’s life miserable, I want to plead with you to help us put our marriage back. Remember that we have five children who will suffer as the two of us fight. I am willing to make amendments to my life….” She sobbed.
After some time to let her emotions cool down, Mercy continued with her plea.
“I know I am an ordinary person, I am not the best. Perhaps it is hard for my husband to forgive me. But I ask to be allowed to try it again and at least give a future to our children…”
After various talks back and forth, the couple’s hurt feelings stopped blinding them to the potential of their marriage. Each discovered weaknesses on their side. Even responsibilities they had ignored.
They forgave each other and agreed to start the long Journey of restoring their marriage to the former if not better state.
That evening as I helped Kirigo take back his goat and his bride home, several words came to my mind:
- Forgiveness,
- Bitterness,
- Betrayal
- Revenge,
- Pride,
- Reconciliation,
- Peacemakers.
I realized all these, and much more were involved in this mater.
Are there unresolved matters that break down communication between you and other members of your family? Is there a problem between you and your parents, between you and your wife between you and your husband, between you and your children? Does it seem to you like iron wedges have been driven deeply between you?
Rebuilding Trust:
The beginning point for rebuilding trust is an open honest confession of wrong, deeds, anger and hateful thoughts. Each one must be willing to make such a confession:
The wife may be holding things in her heart, which her husband must hear.
These confessions must be made to each other, for forgiveness to occur
As you seek God’s forgiveness for public and private sins, God will enable you to make a new start in life and marriage.
With love, patience, and forgiveness, all things can become new in the family and church. The marriage can become strong again. The family members can respect each other again, Trust can be restored.
Deal with issues:
The Bible says: “Lay aside falsehood, speak the truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.”
Start by admitting the truth to God and to the others involved. Then deal with anger and resentment. The Bible says: “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun set on your anger.”
In the above scripture, Paul was quoting from Psalms 4, which is a nighttime psalm. It is for reminding you that before the close of the day your heart should be flushed clean of all the bitterness and anger of the day. Nothing unforgiven, unsettled, uncovered should be carried over to the next day. Instead, interpersonal problems must be handled on a daily basis.
The advice of Scripture applies “Keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
Consider the case of sister Nkinga. She came home from work in the big city with great anticipation of welcome and acceptance from her father. But for unusual reasons the man who was always sweet to her was today as hard as a rock. He gave greetings that suggested all was not well.
Her mother was quiet and occasionally sobbed without saying what the matter was. Nkinga wondered what sin she might have committed to hurt her parents so. May be also someone had died and they did not have the courage to tell her.
Finally the cat got out of the basket. The father and mother both talked in turns. They had information from a close friend of Nkinga that she was doing things they will never approve and because they believed this friend, they were not ready for negotiations. After threats and near curses that did not have room for defense she was sent out of the house and asked not to come again.
Since in the city, where she worked, Nkinga and Rebecca (the lady that had caused the rift with her parents) belonged to the same church it was too painful to be in the same meetings. Hearing the friend lead worship or preach brought memories and usually she would leave the meeting. The pain of betrayal was so painful.
But should she continue hurting forever. Was there a way out of this mess? She wanted to forget it, but it wouldn’t go. Then she wanted to report it to the church authorities, but it didn’t look right.
She searched the scriptures for answers to her situation. What was she to do with her parents? How will she handle this friend? As she searched the scriptures started flowing with answers.
First we are to realize that whether you are wronged or you are wronging the responsibility to sort the matter belongs to you. So you must take initiative. We should seek reconciliation if another consider you to have wronged him. In Matthew 5:23,24, Jesus says that if you have done something to another person, you should stop any acts of worship and get reconciled first. Reconciliation takes precedence over worship. So as soon as you are convinced that your brother/sister has a problem with you. Get reconciled.
Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus also says something about the other side of the picture. If someone has wronged you, then you must go and see him. You must seek to win your brother and rebuild the relationship so that the two of you can walk together and talk together as Christians. You see Jesus won’t allow the unreconciled condition to continue among believers.
Notices that whether you wrong or you are wronged you are the one to initiate the reconciliation. There is never a time when you can sit and wait. Jesus gives no opportunity for that. It is always your obligation to go. In the ideal situation (the way Jesus set it up), if two believers have flared up over something and they ought to meet each other on the way to seek reconciliation.
It is wrong to stay hurt and keep blaming someone for hurting you, take the initiative.
Day by day, week by week, Christian ought to be dealing with interpersonal problems so that they do not pile up.
Certainly, this is needed even more in the Christian home, where there are the most intimate of human relationships, and also, we run into each other day by day. How important it is, therefore, to understand and practice the dynamics of Christian reconciliation in the home. Matters must be straightened out; we dare not ignore them.
Once you get this relationship reestablished, once you have confessed your sins to each other (and to God, of course) and you have asked forgiveness from one another, you have not finished; you have only begun. You have only cleared away the rubble of the past. Now learn to sort your matters out as they come. You must never allow them to pile up again. That means a new pattern in your relationship must be formed. Paul continues, “Let no unwholesome word proceed [Literally, pour out] from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification for building) according to the need of the grace I give to those that hear” (Eph.4: 29). This shows what communication must be like from now on, It is the pattern for forming the new relationship.
What does Paul mean? He is talking about foul language when he speaks of unwholesome words. Of course, his statement would include that, but it is much broader. The term refers to any words that tear down another.
You are aware of another brother/sister has fallen into sin.
Sometimes the things that make us hurt have nothing to do with us so to speak. Someone does something wrong or even sins. It is not you that is wronged, neither is it you that has wronged anyone. Yet, that can kill relations among people.
Gossip –telling others about someone else who is neither part of the problem or solution.
Malice –telling others about someone else for the purpose of hurting them
Avoiding the people, you saw doing wrong and feeling holier or better a milliard of other wrong actions.
Failure of others let to grow can kill a whole community.
In one church it was alleged that some people had committed a sin. It was in the 60’s and some unchristian oathing was taking place in some parts of Kenya. Serious Christians did not take part and some paid with their own lives while others were maimed or hurt. When the season ended, the church was very divided, between those who took the “oath” and those who did not. No one knew who exactly had and who hadn’t. The strife was XXX
Someday a wise man stood up and confronted the matter. The oath was named “chai-Tea” So he stood up in church and said, “yes indeed we took the “tea. So what?” (“Ni kweli chai tulikunywa. Kwa hivyo?’)
He proceeded; this church is full of sinners. Those who took the “tea”, sinned. Yet those who did not take it have spent all the time doing one thing, “gossiping.” He paused. “Sin my friends is sin. There are no small and big sins. And the cure for sin, is the blood of Jesus –no other sacrifice remains.” He went on to quote 1John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Having finished speaking he fell besides his chair and started calling on God for his own soul.
Without more talk the whole church went to their knees. That day ended with a rested community.
So, what do you do when you see someone sinning?
The Apostle Paul gives the direction. “Brethren, if a man is [a]overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.” Gal 6:1You take the initiative to help them back on their feet, in a gentle way. The purpose of this and all other kinds of confronting failure and sin is the same, restoration.
