Many years ago, the “Check Engine” light came on in my new BMW on my way to a wedding. I panicked as I didn’t know what that meant. I thought my expensive new car’s engine was gone and couldn’t imagine how much that was going to cost seeing that BMW spare parts are not cheap like Toyotas. And so I quickly parked the car by the road side and called my BMW specialist, Johnson Soi.
The problem turned out to be nothing more than a warning that my car was now due for service. I asked him if I could continue driving to which he answered that I would but should plan to bring it for service sooner rather than later. Replacing the spark-plugs, flushing the coolant, cleaning the throttle-body–these things are well outside my realm of expertise, but I trust my mechanic when he tells me that performing scheduled service will save me hundreds or even thousands of shillings later on.
Of course, your marriage isn’t a BMW, but if we who value our cars, as I valued my ultimate driving machine, care to take them regularly for service, how much more should we care about our marriages? You see, it’s only a careless driver who ignores those signs on the dashboard, or drives their car to a halt on the roadside. A careful driver will always be alert as I was to the signs on the dashboard and will regularly service their car even if it’s still moving.
Similarly, investing in the health and care of your marriage on a daily basis will go a long way in having a healthy and flourishing marriage. So often many of us go on and on more than the stipulated 5,000 or 10,000 kms in our marriages without going for service. No wonder when it starts raining in our marriages, it pours.
Some time back while attending a certain conference, the facilitator asked us what was the word for maintenance in our African dialects. To our shock, we couldn’t find any. Could it be that’s the reason we are very poor at maintaining things in this part of the world?
So how do we ensure that we regularly checkout our marital engines? First, it is to know that it’s time to do so. You will know your marriage is due for a check up when you cannot remember the last time you laughed together until your sides ached. You will know it is due for a check-up if you cannot remember the last time you spent time just the two of you not talking about money or the kids, but talking about sweet nothings. You will know that it’s due for a check-up when you can’t even tell the last time you were intimate (not to say that having sex means a healthy marriage especially if one is just being ‘given’ on humanitarian grounds).
We can regularly service our Marriages by taking these four practical steps set out by one Dr. Rob Toornstra. By taking these four practical steps, we will maintain and care for our marriages so that they can go the distance. These steps include-;
1. Being Intentional
Being intentional about connecting with each other. You see, when you first fell in love, you didn’t need to think of being together. In fact, you looked for every and any opportunity to be together. You were always in each other’s mind and space. What happened? You were “high” on dopamine, and serotonin, the feel-good hormones. Psychologists tell us that this cannot be sustained for long. It lasts anytime between six months to two years, though these days it seems to have even a shorter shelf-life. When you are high on these feel – good hormones, it’s like driving an automatic car, it drives you; when it’s over, after the honeymoon when reality hits, you need to be intentional about connecting with each other. It’s like driving a manual car. You have to intentionally engage the gear.
So how can we be intentional in our Marriages?
It can be a daily ritual like a call during the day to find out how each of you is doing, not just calling to say “Gas imeisha”. It can be catching up for 30 minutes after the kids have gone to bed if you have little ones. Or watching a show on Netflix before going to bed. It can also be competing with each other on scrabble or doing something enjoyable, leisurely, apart from the busyness and stress of daily life.
You could try a date night once a month for a start, a weekend out just for the two of you, once a year. All of this takes some planning, and budgeting–but it is a tremendous long-term investment in our relationship. We often plan for and invest our finances but what about our marriages?
2. Nourish your relationship
When you first started dating, the physical connection was electric! You held hands wherever you went, kissed when you said hallo and goodbye, had sex every day or even thrice a day. But now, with a handful of kids, a stressful job, and involvement at church or community intimacy can feel like one more item to check off the checklist. Sex is no longer thrice a day or week but we are trying not even weekly but WEAKLY.
Marriages thrive, however, when the fires of intimacy are stoked often. This doesn’t mean having mind-blowing sex every day, but it does mean that you are being intentional about making time for intimacy between the two of you. You are doing things that feed or nourish your marital relationship. What are you currently doing to nourish your marriage? Or is it starving like those people and animals in the drought-stricken areas?
3. Navigating the sensitive Issues
Most marriages have particular issues that are sensitive; maybe your mother-in-law is controlling, or maybe one of you tends to spend too much time at work. These hot-button issues can quickly flare up and get out of control. Learn to identify what your trouble spots are, and exercise care in how you handle them. When you see your spouse reacting in a certain way, don’t be quick to judge them. Instead, find out what it is that is frustrating them.
Know when to address certain issues and when not to.
They say timing is everything. Don’t tell your spouse about the need to get another refrigerator when he’s going through a financially challenging time. Don’t bring up those hot issues when he’s just come from a stressful situation either at the workplace, or at home trying to handle a difficult child. Wait for the right moments to talk about those sensitive issues.
Learn also how to skirt round about them. This is not to say that you avoid them, but that you bring them up in a way that is easier for them to handle it. Remember it’s never about what is said, however strongly you feel about it, but how it is said. Be sensitive in how you bring it up.
4. Resolving Conflict
Finally, learn to work through conflict. This is where many marriages are falling apart. Most engines knock simply because we fail to see that “check engine “light, which is our anger. Anger has never been the primary emotion, it is secondary. There are some underlying issues behind the issue you are dealing with. Try to look past the issue for the underlying fear. It’s not the dishes in the sink, but a fear of disrespect, or a loss of control, or an undermining of authority that drives the anger.
Whatever it is that triggers the emotion, try to name the emotion, not the trigger. When you reach an impasse, get help soon. Sadly, many couples instead of seeking help as soon as they see the light like I did, they either bury their heads in the sand like the proverbial ostrich, or try to fix it themselves when they can’t. I had to call my BMW specialist Soi, because I knew he had the necessary expertise where BMWs are concerned.
Similarly, it’s okay to seek help from a professional before things go out of hand. In my practice working with married ccouples, unfortunately many come when a great deal of damage has already been done.
Find ways to share your thoughts and ideas together throughout the day. Touch your husband on the shoulder as he walks by. Pray together. And, yes, sometimes in a busy world, planning a time to have sex is necessary. True, scheduling sex lacks spontaneity, but it can also give you something to look forward to throughout the day. Keep in mind that the biblical picture of sex isn’t just intercourse, but rather it involves cultivating a level of closeness in all areas of a relationship–mental, spiritual, and emotional–so that sexual intimacy becomes a natural continuation of your connection to one another.
