The other day we received an email from someone inviting Grace and I to speak to a group of young couples in Karen. The topic of discussion was a very interesting one, “A Healthy Marriage”. So, I began to ask myself “what constitutes a healthy marriage?” I know some people think that a healthy marriage is one where we rarely quarrel. Another may say where there’s lots of sex, while another might say where we feel cared for. But do these things really constitute a healthy marriage?
Of course, we all want to feel well taken care of in our marriages. This may mean different things to different gender or to different individuals. For example, for ladies, being taken care of may mean being emotionally available. Taking time to listen to and have conversations with her man. Men on the other hand may feel taken care of when their need to be served food cooked by their wives is met. So that needs being looked into further where each partner unpacks for the other what being taken care of means to them instead of them assuming that they know. In our assumption we pour ourselves or kill ourselves doing certain things while that’s not what our spouse really needs.
Having sex regularly may also not necessarily constitute a healthy marriage. According to Keith & Sheila Wray Gregoire in their book “The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex”, whereas sex can tell us something about how our relationship is doing, it’s not in itself a measure of how healthy the marriage is. When relationships improve so does sex, but sex on its own couldn’t create a healthy Marriage. One may be getting regular sex on humanitarian grounds and thus think all is well with their marriage. Unlike us guys, the women can sometimes fake it while they are not really there. They may do so to check a box or because they have been advised not to “nyima”, deprive the guy as Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:3 admonishes.
Conflict In A Marriage
Neither is a lack of conflict an indicator of how healthy a marriage is. Of course, having frequent quarrels can be a sign of how unhealthy the marriage is. Constant quarreling and bickering are a good sign that things are not good in the marriage or with one partner and that needs to be checked. But a lack of conflict, what we call a false peace, could also be a sign that the marriage is not healthy. This is because one partner could have given up on trying to resolve issues and has emotionally checked out of it. It’s just a matter of time before these manifests in the actual death of the marriage. Another reason there may be no conflicts is the fear of the repercussions of trying to resolve it that makes us just sweep things underneath the carpet and assume things are okay while they are not.
We live at a time when people are getting more and more conscious of their health. People go to the gym, we watch what we eat, because you are what you eat, and so there’s a lot of talk of what a healthy diet constitutes of. So often even as we take care of our bodies, we neglect to take care of ourselves and our most significant relationship, the marriage. So how do we ensure that we have a healthy marriage? How can we evaluate whether our marriage is healthy or not? What are some of the signs that we are on the right track?
First is the quality of our friendships. One of the major reasons we get married is for companionship. After creating the universe and all that is therein, God saw that it was good. Each day for 5 days after finishing His work, God evaluated the same and said that it was good. But on the sixth day after creating man, He saw something that was not good. And that was for man to be alone. And so He caused him (man) to sleep and took out of his side a bone and formed a woman. When the man woke up, he was wowed by the beauty, and suddenly realizes how lonely he has been. So, Marriage was made to cure loneliness. It was meant for companionship.
Marriage Is For Companionship
That companionship is seen in our friendship as a couple. Grace always advises young people that “you should marry a friend not just a lover”. Friendship is at the core of any healthy marriage because if you are friends, you will always look forward to those opportunities to be together, doing things together, talking and laughing together. You won’t feel forced or need to be nudged to spend time with each other. A healthy marriage requires us to consider our spouse’s interest above our own. Don’t just look into your own interest as the Bible says in Philippians 2:3; look also into your spouse’s interest and try to get involved in them. The other day I read about this lady who decided, instead of constantly fighting with her husband about golf, why not learn how to play golf. So they started going for golf together and today she’s a more ardent fan of golf than her husband. Do you know your spouse’s interests? Have you tried getting to learn and join them in their interest? That way you may end up having one or two shared interests that will enhance your friendship.
Secondly, is to learn conflict resolution and communication skills that will help you have those crucial conversations. I say crucial because they determine whether the marriage will survive or not. A healthy marriage is not one devoid of conflicts as mentioned earlier, but one in which we acknowledge the conflicts and try to resolve them well. In our 28 years of Marriage, Grace and I have had many conflicts, some which were “life or is it marriage” threatening that I thought it was over. But as we had those very difficult conversations using the Safe Conversations skills we learned, we were able to resolve those issues. When conflict is resolved well, it leads to greater intimacy. So, don’t ignore or sweep things under the carpet. Bring them out at the right time with the right attitude. An attitude to seek to understand where each of you is coming from. Don’t attack, blame, criticize or judge your mate but rather seek first to listen, understand and validate them in order to fully empathize with them.
Pay Attention And Complement Each Other
Thirdly, a healthy marriage is one in which we pay attention to each other’s needs. For guys, your woman’s need for attention and affection (including PDA) must be met by you and no one else. Don’t say you don’t do those things yet they are important to her. Ladies get to know what makes your man feel respected and needed. Ensure that her emotional needs are met if you want your sexual needs to be met satisfactorily. Regularly check with each other if your needs are being met in the marriage.
Finally, a healthy marriage is one in which we have learned to complement, not compete with each other or complain about each other. What are your spouse’s strengths? How can you capitalize on those strengths for the betterment of your marriage? How do your strengths cover for your partner’s weaknesses? Do you recognize each other’s strengths? Do you take time to appreciate them? Are you clear about your roles and how you can play them effectively in the marriage?
