Are you part of a Community? Do you have people you do live with? Do you have a group of couples you are doing Marriage with?
My favorite team in the English Premier League is Liverpool. Their slogan is “You never walk alone” YNWA. I like it because it connotes team spirit, doing life together even as the team plays together as a unit to win trophies. I’m a big fan of team sports more than individual ones. I like being part of a team as compared to doing it alone. Teamwork, they tell me, makes the dream work.
In order for you to succeed in marriage, you must work as a team. You must play your part in the team just as in football every player has a role to play and it is as they play it well that the overall team performs well. It is as you come together as husband and wife against that which is coming to set you asunder that you are able to overcome whatever storms you face in marriage. Your spouse is on your side, they are your team-mate and not the problem. We need to cooperate and not compete in marriage.
Why are Couples’ groups important?
In order to win in this game of marriage, it’s not just important to play as a team as a Couple, but you also need to be part of a bigger team, a couples’ community. Grace and I are passionate about seeing Married Couples doing Marriage together because as the Bible says there’s safety in the multitude of counselors. God never meant for us to do life together. In the book of Acts 2:42, the Bible says “They devoted themselves to the Apostles ‘ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer ” Fellowship (Greek: Koinonia) means sharing things, sharing a common life, and in its broadest meaning, friendship.
As Africans we have lived in Community and know what Community is. Unfortunately in our modernization we are becoming more and more individualistic. Even in the Church where we need to do Christian life together, it has become a Sunday gathering of individuals. We don’t have Koinonia. Even the so called small groups fall short of what real Community should look like.
So often we have seen many marriages struggle simply because the couple are trying to do it alone. They go through stuff that most couples go through but think that they are the only ones going through it. The devil is good at isolating us and making us think that the things we are going through in our Marriage are unique only to us. He thus succeeds in isolating and shooting us dead.
But when we come together, and begin sharing from a place of authenticity and vulnerability, we come to realize that what we are going through is common. The scriptures that say “no temptation that has come to you that is not common to man” becomes a reality in your life. What we go through in Marriage is common, we all have conflict from time to time, struggle with sex from time to time, and fear losing power or control in our relationships.
Just this fact brings us a lot of comfort seeing that we are not unique. I have literally seen Couples breathe a sigh of relief when we opened up and shared with them our own struggles. When we were vulnerable enough with them. We have seen Couples in our Couples group coaching come alive just by realizing that they are all facing the same issues.
As adults we learn best in a group setting. This is because we learn from each other. There are things we have copied from other couples that we learned in our Couples’ group. Grace and I belong to a Couples Group we have Christened “The midnight gang.” We are five couples who meet every Sunday from 9pm to past midnight thus our name. Here we discuss different scenarios in Marriage, pick up good habits, good communication skills, good conflict resolution skills and also challenge each other.
I’m not saying here that we have comparisons or start putting pressure on our spouses because of what we saw someone in our team do for their spouse. But we can glean and learn from them when we see it as something that we feel will be nice to do for our spouse. We pick good ideas on how to romance our wives from each other even as the wives get ideas on how they can creatively set aside time to “minister” to their husbands.
The other advantage of a Couples’ group is that we can hold ourselves accountable. When you are feeling like giving up or are not pulling your weight the others can call you out. There’s always a need for some good pressure in order for us to do certain things that we would otherwise have not done. That’s sometimes the difference between working from home and at an office. At home if you are not disciplined enough, you may tend to be lazy and take a longer nap or watch netflix. But at the office there are all these people around working and that may just spur you on to work. That’s not to say that those working from home are less productive, it has its merits as well.
Why Authenticity is key?
When we talk about Couples’ groups, we are not just talking about a bunch of Couples who meet regularly with no deep meaningful conversations. We are not talking about people who hide behind their titles, their spirituality or appearance. We are not talking about people who talk about others or everything else except themselves. We are not talking about people who are careful how they appear or what they say. We have had the opportunity of doing group coaching with several Couples’ groups that have been meeting for years, since they got married, but only have shallow and superficial relationships. Their conversations don’t go beyond the skin surface no wonder a number of them may be struggling in their marriages yet appear to have it altogether lovely.
There can be no accountability without authenticity. If I’m not authentic with you how will you hold me accountable? It is easy to lie to you or just tell you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear. True and lasting transformation also takes place in an atmosphere of authenticity, Where we feel safe enough to become vulnerable with each other. Just being able to share some of those things we are struggling with, can help set us free to be who we really are. And that’s transformational as so often we are hiding.
What then hinders our being authentic?
We don’t feel safe. We have been hurt in the past so are careful not to be hurt again. Relationships can be very intimate and vulnerable places but can also be the place we hurt one another most deeply.
We fear being judged. We protect ourselves at all costs. Protect ourselves from being hurt and from being seen for who we really are. So we, like Adam, are hiding behind the fig-leaves. Shame, fear, guilt are the three powerful things that make us hide. “I was afraid that I was naked, so I hid” Adam says in Genesis 3:10.
We also fear not appearing religiously correct. Many churches have developed cultures where their members are forced to conform to a certain way of saying and doing things. To be seen as this kind of Christian we must be this ideal Couple. And so, fearing to be known for who we really are, pimples, bad breath and all, we hide. We pretend to be okay and protect ourselves with the knowledge we have, our positions, our spirituality etc. I remember being told of this Christian Couple who had separated. Whenever they came to Church, they would of course come from their different locations, leave one car at the nearest Petrol Station and drive into Church together in one car. You would see them walking together hand-in-hand into the Sanctuary looking like the perfect Couple.
How do we create these safe spaces?
In facilitating these groups, the facilitators must lead by being authentic themselves. Authenticity breeds authenticity just like vulnerability breeds vulnerability. If the leader of the group is not open enough, the group will struggle with being open. And without that openness, very little will be achieved. People will be guarded, they will come to that group and leave the same way they came. No transformation will take place in their lives and in their marriage.
We create these safe spaces by being open and vulnerable. We also create these safe spaces by assuring others of confidentiality. A group can be broken if some things shared in confidence are heard on the roof-tops.
We create that safe space by not being critical and judgmental. Any attempt to be judgmental is discouraged. Everyone is encouraged to share openly and not shut down or be left feeling judged. The approach should be one of these are the things “we” are struggling with as opposed to “you” are struggling with.
CONCLUSION
So we have seen that in order for us to succeed in marriage, we need to be part of a community. That community should not just be any community, but a community where there’s transparency and accountability. It must be a community where we feel accepted for who we are and feel safe to share our hearts and our hurts. That is how we will never walk alone in marriage.
