Why Good Men Cheat

Why do men cheat? This is a question that has been asked since time in memorial. There’s a feeling that men are the ones more likely to cheat even though in this day and age, we are finding that women are also cheating on their husbands. These are topics that we don’t want to address in the Church yet we are finding more and more cases on infidelity among us as are called brethren. And so, as a Church, we can no longer bury our heads in the sand and think that these are things that happen only to those outside the faith.

I’m so glad that part of the stories in the Bible is one of adultery by a man who God Himself called “a man after my own heart” (1 Samuel 13:14; Psalms 89:20; and Acts 13:22). One may argue that was before David’s incident with Bathsheba, but still, God or the authors of the Bible didn’t deem it fit to edit this part of the scripture. So why were these portions of scriptures, (2 Samuel 11), left in the Bible?

First, it was left there to teach us several things, one that we who think we stand, should take heed lest we fall (1 Corinthians 10:13). In my counseling experience both in and outside the Church, I have found very good people, good men whose love for the LORD I don’t doubt, found themselves in such compromising situations. Some were just naive; some didn’t see it coming and before they realized they had done something that they vowed and thought they would never do.

The second reason why that portion of the Scriptures was left is to help us see the life history of an affair. From David’s story with Bathsheba, we see that the King was relaxing on his balcony when he saw something that he couldn’t take his eyes from. A naked woman who was bathing on the rooftop. Nothing wrong with the woman bathing on the rooftop because that was the culture then. They would do so at night. The Palace was at an elevated position in the city and the lower parts were inhabited by the lower and middle class people. The King hadn’t planned to see what he saw.

What was wrong was what the King did with what he saw. He ordered the lady to be brought to his palace and committed adultery with her.

What many married men don’t realize is that just because they are married, doesn’t mean that they won’t see another beautiful woman. They won’t be attracted to another woman. Whenever I ask men in our “Men of Purpose Game changer program” is if it is wrong for a married man be attracted to another woman. Well, there’s nothing wrong with that, in fact so often it is not even planned. Your eyes just see something that attracts you like King David was that night. They say for men, it is what we see that stimulates us sexually. So, we have to be careful we don’t take that second look or prolong that first one.

But attraction can also be in another way, not just physically. You can get emotionally involved with this person who “seemingly” listens to you more than or unlike your wife. Some men get very comfortable with their female colleagues at work that they start sharing their emotional and relational struggles. Before they realize, they are deeply connected to this other woman that it’s just a matter of time before things explode. Yet for others it starts with having common interests or hobbies and because of that shared interest an attraction can occur. Others because of praying together or fellowshipping a lot get spiritually attracted to each other.

Now, as I said earlier, there’s nothing wrong with getting attracted to another woman as a married man. What you do with that attraction is what matters. Are you going to savor the good feelings of that attraction and allow it to grow? My wife, Grace, always says that what you feed grows and attraction is nurtured by us allowing and enjoying that attraction. We long for  it to the point of wanting it to become a reality in our lives like David did. We  secretly enjoy it, wanting to always be around this other person. Looking for  opportunities to call them or be together. They say stolen waters are sweet, but let me warn you with the words of the wisest man who lived.

Can a man embrace fire and his clothes not be burned? Can a man walk on coals without scorching his feet? “ (Proverbs 6:27-28).

What most of these good men who find themselves in a compromising situation don’t realize is, one, they are deceiving themselves, and two, they can’t handle it alone. They deceive themselves that they can handle it while still enjoying the thrill of it. Even if their spouse or someone else pointed this out to them they will vehemently deny. Sometimes they are not even aware how far they have gone in their attraction. They don’t know they have been seduced. “Each person is tempted when he is drawn away and enticed by his own evil desires” (James 2:14). Notice not by this other woman or the devil, but by his own evil desires.

So how do you know you are going, being drawn away, being led to the slaughter? There are many tale-tell-signs that one has to be aware of. Do you get excited whenever the thought of meeting up with this other person pops up in your mind? Do you find yourself missing them and thinking a lot about them? Do you dress to please them? Are you excited about them the way you got excited as a small boy in your first crash?

Be brutally honest with yourself and accept that yes,  ‘I’m attracted to this person’. Acknowledging it and accepting it is the first step to your deliverance.

Don’t allow yourself to be condemned. There’s therefore now no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus. Let that realization lead you to make a decision to cut it off.

Ask yourself these critical question, Is this worth throwing away all the years of investment in my marriage? How will this affect my family? What impact will it have in my relationship with God?  How will it impact my kids? Will I be proud of this decision 20 years from now?

Hopefully those questions will jolt you to some reality. Hopefully they will open your eyes that have been blinded by this attraction to see that she’s just a woman like your wife. To see that you may have been blinded to the 80 percent that you love and adore in your wife and were only seeing the 20 percent in her that your wife doesn’t have. That you will remember the commitment you made to your wife, “forsaking all others I take thee”.

That you will make the right though painful decision (painful because the flesh     was already enjoying it) to not go that route.

Remember I said that we sometimes deceive ourselves that we can handle it alone? No you can’t! Every man needs another man in his life. Another man he can be vulnerable with. Another man who will not judge him but will also be authentic enough to empathize with his struggles. A man with like values, who will not allow him to destroy his life just because of some momentary pleasure. A man he can give permission to hold him accountable. A man who will tell him the truth and pray for him. Do you have that kind of a man? Have you surrounded yourself with men who will risk everything, men like those men in Mark 2:1-12 who ripped open the roof and lowered the paralytic to Jesus? Unfortunately, many men don’t have such men. No wonder some of them, good men have cheated on their wives.

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