The apostle Paul admonished Pastor Timothy on the way to handle members of the opposite sex: “With all purity.” (1 Tim. 5:1-2). He also advised that the whole world should honor marriage while keeping from sexual sins, because “fornicators and adulterers, God will judge.” (Heb.13:4). Moral standards have fallen so low in our times and community. One would think that the threat of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases would slow down the rate of immorality, but alas, it has not. Some even argue that it is simply an accident when you contract these diseases. One Christian woman confronted by her colleagues and advised to at least keep off sexual sins because of the danger of AIDS if not out of the fear of God retorted: “Is it worse than accidents on our roads?” It is an open secret that there are many sexual affairs going on in, offices and business premises—rather than in homes with marriage partners. More and more people are getting involved in compromising behavior that is really ungodly yet somehow tolerated:
- Hugging and fondling others not married to you.
- Hanging around other people’s wives’ husbands, daughters or sons – for the purpose of drawing sexual pleasure (not just fellowship).
- Fantasizing i.e. imagining sweet, romantic acts with people not married to you. These are evil things, very ungodly, yet they are happening. There are people having extra-marital relations in their offices with their bosses, secretaries or colleagues. There are some that find themselves trapped in infidelity:
- Adultery
- Fornication,
- Flirtation, e.t.c.
Why do people commit these acts? There are many reasons, consider the following:
To say thank you:
Simon just visited his friend Jacob hoping to work out some business deal. They had been friends for over seven years. Jacob was late coming home, but Jacob’s wife Jenny, made Simon so comfortable, always assuring him that Jacob would be home very soon. By 10:00p.m. she was sure Jacob was just about to come. At I1.00pm Simon realized something was wrong. Unfortunately, he did not know Jacob’s friends in the neighborhood whom he could call to escort him home for security reasons. Not too sure what to do at that point, Jacob’s wife came to his rescue – apparently. She reminded him that six years ago, when she was in labor and there was no transport to take her to hospital, Simon had acted ‘midwife’, and successfully delivered her baby. She told him that she had since been looking for an appropriate time to express her gratitude. She informed him that Jacob had actually gone out of town and would be away for a couple of days. She had kept him waiting only for one purpose: to say thank you. She warned him not to make much fuss of the matter, because the children were in bed. There was no need to wake them up. She made it very clear that her purpose was simple: just to say, “Thank You. They argued a bit about Jenny’s offer. Simon tried to explain that there are other ways of saying thank you, in any case she did not need to because Simon was simply assisting his friend Jacob. But Jenny insisted, “What else can a woman give a man to say thank you?”
Darkened conscience
A story told by the Meru says it all. A Hyena decided to join the church. To be baptized, he had to abide by some basic Christian standards. One among them was that all baptized animals would not eat the flesh of a corpse. Eventually. the Hyena agreed. and he became Zachariah. One day, after a long time, brother Zachariah saw a corpse. He had been used to passing far away from such things. But this day, he got a second thought: “Does passing near a corpse stop me from being Zachariah? So, this time round, he passed near the corpse and it called out his name, “Zachariah?” And he answered to himself. “Yea, Amen.” That day, brother Zachariah realized that passing near a corpse does not change his name. He came across yet another corpse soon later, A new thought came to him: “Does just touching the corpse mean that I am not Zachariah?” He tried it out, and his name was did not change. That was exciting. He kept trying different things, such as biting and not swallowing. Then finally, he swallowed a whole piece and called out, “Zachariah?” He answered “Yea, Amen.” That was it. He ate the whole corpse. Now, that’s only a story, but it says a lot. Zachariah lowered his moral standards slowly, each time darkening his once alive conscience until he was a practicing sinner, while still a baptized believer. That’s how many people find themselves cornered right where they should not be – removing the wall of protection slowly.
Community influence
The media is doing us a lot of harm. Instead of hearing of ungodly behaviors or such scenes being confined to cinema theatres, these days we watch them – right in our table rooms with our children. Videos are available depicting the worst obscenities – all for our consumption. The behavior of the community we live in has a way of influencing us. Some things we take in slowly, others fast. The slow influence is the worst because you do not suspect it. They say that if you want to kill a frog, the easiest way is to put it in a cooking pan, then warm the water to boiling point. It will not jump out! But if you put it in hot water, it will jump out quickly. This is so because, a frog is cold blooded and its temperature will assume that of its surrounding. Community influence works the same way, eating away bit by bit. The Bible says:
“I beseech you therefore brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”(Romans 12:1-2).
In their book, Answers For Marriage, Bruce & Carol Britten (Uzima Press) have given excellent answers to the question, “Do women commit adultery for the same reasons men do or do they have their own reasons?” They give the following four reasons:
New Love
A woman may say to herself, “I doubt if my husband really loves me the way he used to. She remembers the wonderful joy she had when she felt really loved. She hungers for that feeling. Then another man appears who seems to care about her. Suddenly, she feels loved again. What a marvelous feeling! In fact, the feeling is so exciting that it makes everything seem right even sex outside marriage. She is tempted to believe that her feeling of love is a license for adultery.
New Sex
While many women are tempted by new love, a lot of men are tempted by new sex. Married men often think, wouldn’t it be fun to have sex with someone else?” Yes, even Christian husbands are faced with this temptation. Just to try someone new.
Admiration
A married person (whether male or female) may become tempted when he/ she meets someone who “really admires me and enjoys hearing me talk and likes the way I think and finds me exciting and says I’m intelligent and nice-looking.” We all need that kind of admiration. In fact, a person’s need for admiration can be even stronger than his need for sex. And there are many sweet-talking women who know how to make another woman’s husband feel really admired. Of course, there are also a lot of smooth-talking men who can make a woman feel so special that she will be tempted to give him what he wants.
Modern trends
Many films, magazines and TV programs say. Why have sex with just your wife (or husband)? Try sex. Married men often think, “Wouldn’t it be fun to have sex with someone else?” Yes, even Christian husbands are faced with this temptation. Just to try someone new.
Wrong place and an idle mind
Do you remember David, the mighty king of Israel? It is recorded. that one time, when it was time for “kings to go to war. David sent his army to war but he himself stayed at home. He idly stayed home instead of being’ busy where he ought to have been. Then one day, he chanced on a naked woman bathing. That started several things. He checked who she was. He noticed that she was beautiful (as if that was abnormal). Eventually, he slept with her and killed her husband to cover it up. How did David get hooked? First, he was at the wrong place. at the wrong time. He should have been busy fighting. Not hanging around. As they say. ”an idle/ empty mind is the devil’s workshop.” He was empty. Secondly, he failed to resist the temptation. It is not possible not to see the first time. What you do with what you see however, depends on you. He did not need to see enough to know that she was beautiful. Which is what triggered lust ın him.
Keeping wrong company
The Bible tells of a man called Lot. He was a righteous man (2 Peter 2:7). However, he made a wrong choice of where to live. “Lot …pitched his tent even as far Sodom,” (Genesis 13:12). But the city was so evil, it eventually attracted the wrath of God, which burnt it with fire from heaven. Meanwhile, for Lot, his family was greatly influenced by what was in Sodom, and his loses were heavy, Once he was taken captive when Sodom was involved in war. It took quick action by Abraham, his uncle, to rescue him (Genesis 14:16). Then his own wife so loved Sodom, she was destroyed alongside Sodom, when judgement was sent over the city (Genesis 19:26). Then, his daughters were such corrupt women (they must have learnt tricks from Sodom –where their boyfriends had been, and died). They one day devised a plan of being impregnated by their own father –incest. They got him drunk, and slept with him in turns. They each got pregnant, and bore children. Lot not only lost his integrity, he actually lost everything. Cattle, servants, wife, tents. Finally, he lived alone with his two sinful daughters in a cave. (Genesis 19:30). Imagine the sin of this family so blinded them that the daughters of Lot thought and actually believed there was only one man left on the face of the earth (Genesis 19:31): Sin blinds people!
Mid-life crisis
Jessica came to our office so very crushed. She did not know whether something was wrong with her, or with her husband. Jessica was in her mid-forties. Her husband was fifty years and strong a very active and busy man. If she threw a “leg” to him while in bed, he would get very mad with her. Several times, he told her, “You are as fast as a horse what’s wrong with you?” That insult would make her cry herself to sleep. Then she would promise herself not to be aggressive again. But the man would not say anything for a long time. Then, after several months of silence, he would come with a new insult. “Where do you pass these days? You must have a man somewhere who meets your needs. That’s why you are so silent these days.” That also would hit her like a live bullet. Unable to cope with these insults, or to understand her man, she sobbed out in our office that morning: What should I do? If I keep quiet, I’m seeing someone. If I am aggressive, I’m as fast as a horse. What should I do?” It is important to understand the fact that life goes through phases. During the early stages, usually before 38 years, most men will be more sexually active than their wives-if they are of the same age. Very few men will be in a hurry for any future concerns at that time. Come forties, and for some reason, the urgency to make a secure future for the family drains men. Sex needs energy. At that stage, men don’t have that energy. Some of them will sleep very little, and rest very little. That slows down their sexual drive not because they have any problem, but because they have no time. On the other hand, women of that age have already had their children. Mostly. the tension of raising children is over at this time. Consequently, most women have more energy for sex than men of their age. This a normal sexual shift. Priority changes, (men are now busy, women freer) there is no need not kill or hurt a marriage. The more active wives need to be sensitive to the needs of their husbands the need for emotional, social support. Men at this time need encouragement and a comfortable home. The wife who understands that will cope with her husband’s reduced sexual drive, which is normal. The careful husband will also understand the increased needs of his wife, and slow down his quest for success. Then he can spare time, take her out, get off busy schedules to be there for his wife. Sufficient rest will ensure healthy operations at work and at home. If these things are not observed, the danger is that of the man looking for a small girl to sleep with– just to re-assure himself that he is not useless. And for women to turn to younger men because it reminds them of the time when their husbands were more aggressive sexually. These solutions are sinful. They only break people and homes. Don’t turn to them!
What are we to do?
There are two issues to consider. The first one is to keep ourselves from sexual sin, and the second is to deal with the situation if you are in trouble already.
Let’s begin with how to keep away from sexual sins.
The first thing to understand is that there is no one who does not get tempted, and temptation is not sin. Then, also realize that God does not intend that we fall just because we are tempted. “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted, above that ye are able: but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” (1Cor. 10:13)
Secondly, realize that sin blinds. When sin comes into the life of a believer, it eventually takes light out of his life. The kind of darkness brought about by sexual sin is so bad it makes people make very awkward judgements in life. It eventually brings its victim down. Though at first sin appears like it is innocent, it finally bites – very hard. Get rid of it. Sin does not only make you blind, but it also closes heaven on you- it hinders your prayer. This is the reason why all effort must be made to get rid of sin.
Consequences
Thirdly, accept in your mind that sin has consequences – especially sexual sins. Sexual sins are done against one’s body, not just God and other people. That is why the Bible says, “Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body: but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body”. (I Cor. 6:18.) Adultery and fornication are sins against a present or future spouse. These sins do invite family and personal curses. Consider the case of David and his immoral act with Bathsheba. Though in His grace God forgave him, but David lived to see the same curse on his family. His son Amnon raped his own sister. Absalom murdered his brother Amnon. Absalom finally slept with David’s concubines in broad daylight for all to see, and battles never ended.
Then, deal with the root cause of Immorality – a problem of the heart. It is the source of all evil. Jesus taught that, “evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, come from the heart and make a man unclean,” (Mark 7:2 1-23).
If you are involved, you need to make all effort to get rid of the sin because soon or later it will catch up with you. Acknowledge wrong-doing. It does not matter whether you have good or bad reasons for engaging in sexual sin. You are wrong. The first step to your freedom is acceptance of your personal responsibility in the matter. The next step is to confess your sin to God. The Bible says that if we confess our sins to God, He is faithful and will forgive and cleanse us from all sin (I John 1:9). Repenting also involves ceasing the sin you are confessing. Decide to stop and change – not to develop a game pattern of sin, confess, sin again the same sin, confess again and remain in that trap. Quit this game!
Burn bridges
Sexual sins form very strong bonds. If not dealt with properly, they keep recurring, messing a life that could have been lived for God. Stop seeing those who put you in temptation. Change your environment. For example, change bosses, junior or colleague if they are the ones that get you involved. Get another employment if need be. Then, develop a supportive company around you. Keep away from those who turn you to the wrong way.
Involve someone
Involve someone you can trust en- route to freedom. Consider involving:
- Spouse – be sure your spouse is secure enough to handle the pain of the disclosure
- A trusted friend but of same sex as you. A pastor or counsellor preferably of same sex. Confess to them your sin. Let them pray for and with you. Let them hold you accountable for doing the right things and also for your reform.
Don’t keep silent. Silence can kill you.
Bruce & Carol Britten’s have dealt with the question, “How can adultery be prevented?” in the following way:
We believe the answer is: Husbands and wives must carefully avoid each of the four causes listed above. This means:
- Husbands love your wives! Your wife will not hunger for a new love if you are careful to continue loving her with kind words and actions.
- Wives, keep the sex in your marriage exciting. Don’t allow it to become half- hearted. Keep it so exciting that your husband will not be strongly tempted to look for new sex. A man who has a Mercedes at home is not easily tempted to steal a Volkswagen.
- Admire each other. If you enjoy tearing your partner down with hurtful comments and remarks, you are pushing him/her into adultery. So, be careful to satisfy each other’s need for admiration.
- Refuse to follow the world’s modern trends as shown in films and magazines. Determine to obey God, no matter what.
Run away from infidelity. The pain it causes is not worth the pleasure it promises.
